Most of us spend a lifetime trying to improve our relationships — with our partner, children, friends, or even our mother-in-law — without realizing that the quality of all of them reflects the quality of one single relationship: the one you have with yourself.

And one of the most powerful ways to strengthen that relationship is to simply get to know yourself.

To understand what you feel, why you react the way you do, and what you truly need.
In other words — to increase your self-awareness.

Why Self-Awareness Is the Foundation

Increasing self-awareness changes everything. It helps you manage your emotions, communicate clearly, and make better choices. But more than that — it helps you see yourself with compassion instead of criticism.

When you truly understand your motivations, your triggers, your strengths, and your weaknesses, you stop reacting automatically. You begin to respond consciously. 

And that shift alone can transform how you show up in every relationship.

Imagine this:
Someone says something upsetting. Normally, your heart would race, your chest would tighten, and you’d replay the words over and over, feeling misunderstood or hurt.

Now imagine instead that you stay calm and curious — asking yourself, “What just happened there?”

You still love and accept this person as they are. You don’t take it personally.

Can you picture how peaceful that would feel? That’s the power of self-awareness.

So What Does “Relationship with Yourself” Really Mean?

When I first heard my teacher Brooke Castillo say that a relationship is simply your thoughts about another person, something clicked.

If that’s true, then your relationship with yourself is just your thoughts about you.

Think about that for a moment.
What do you think about you?

Do you see yourself as kind? Strong? Capable?
Or do you hear a voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I should be better by now,” or “Other people have it all figured out”?

For years, I didn’t even realize how mean I was to myself. 

My self-talk was constant criticism — like having a harsh inner judge commenting on everything I did. It wasn’t until I slowed down and wrote my thoughts on paper that I saw it clearly. 

I remember looking at that list and thinking, No wonder I feel disconnected — I wouldn’t talk to anyone else this way.

That was my turning point. I realized I had some mental and emotional “cleaning” to do.

Try This Simple Exercise

Take a piece of paper and write down everything you think about yourself:

• Your accomplishments (or lack of them).
  
  

• Your appearance.
  
  

• How smart or capable you feel.
  
  

• The life you’ve created so far.
  
  

• How you see yourself in your relationships.
  
  

Then ask yourself: Am I being the person I want to be in each of these relationships?

Don’t judge what you write. Just notice it. Awareness is the first step.

You might be surprised at what comes up — I certainly was. But once those thoughts are on paper, you can see them for what they are: old beliefs your brain collected from childhood, family expectations, and past experiences. Most of them were never truly yours.

From Unconscious to Conscious

Our brains absorb everything when we’re young — comments, behaviors, even silent messages about what love or worthiness looks like. Those early experiences become our “default settings.”

When we bring the unconscious into the conscious, we finally have a choice.
We can decide which beliefs to keep and which to release.
We can learn to think more intentionally — to build a kind, respectful, and supportive relationship with ourselves.

It’s not an easy process, but it’s far more challenging to try to build deep, healthy relationships with others when you haven’t yet learned to do that with yourself.

The Gentle Truth

Every relationship you have will mirror how you treat yourself.
If you’re patient and forgiving with yourself, you’ll extend that to others.
If you constantly doubt or criticize yourself, you’ll notice that same energy showing up in your interactions — in how easily you’re triggered, or how quickly you shut down.

So start with you.
Get to know yourself, all parts of you — the calm, the messy, the uncertain, the strong.
The more you understand yourself, the more peace and love you’ll naturally bring into every connection in your life.

Because when you build a better relationship with yourself, everything else starts to flow from there.