Have you ever found yourself lying awake, replaying a conversation in your head – trying to understand why someone said what they said, or didn’t say anything at all?
Maybe your partner came home quiet one evening, and your mind started spinning:
Did I do something wrong? Is he upset with me?
Or a friend didn’t reply to your message for two days, and suddenly you felt invisible, unimportant, maybe even rejected.
It’s such a human thing to do.
We’re all walking around with our thoughts, emotions, and fears – bumping into other people who are doing the exact same thing. And this is why relationships can feel so confusing and draining sometimes.
We think, If only they changed, I’d feel better.
If my partner was more affectionate, if my boss was kinder, if my mother stopped judging me – then I’d finally feel calm and happy.
But what if the peace we’re chasing doesn’t actually come from other people’s actions? What if it comes from what we make those actions mean?
Let me give you an example.
A client once told me that every time her husband scrolled on his phone while she was talking, she felt deeply hurt.
She said, “It’s like he doesn’t care about me.”
But when we explored it together, she realised that she was making his behaviour mean something about her – that she wasn’t interesting enough or worthy of attention. In reality, he was simply unwinding after a long day, lost in football scores. The pain didn’t come from his action – it came from her thought about it.
Another time, I noticed myself getting annoyed with a friend who always cancelled at the last minute.
I used to make it mean she didn’t value my time. But when I asked her one day, she opened up about her anxiety and how hard it was for her to commit to plans. And suddenly, everything softened.
Nothing had changed – except my perspective.
When we clean up the stories we tell ourselves – the ones that say, they don’t care, I’m not good enough, they always let me down – we find emotional freedom.
Because our thoughts create our feelings. Not the other person’s words, silence, or behaviour – but our interpretation of them.
That’s why two people can live the exact same experience and feel completely different about it. One feels rejected, the other feels peaceful. The only difference is the story they’re telling themselves.
That’s not to say we have to tolerate any behaviour. Yes, we can understand, feel compassion, and be curious about the other person. But if we offer kindness and they respond with hurtful behaviour, then it’s up to us to set boundaries.
We can understand people – but it’s our choice what we accept as behaviour toward us.
So, what if next time something triggers you, you pause and ask:
“What am I making this mean?”
“Could there be another explanation?”
“What if this wasn’t about me at all?”
Taking responsibility for your part – for the meaning you attach – doesn’t make you weak. It makes you free. It means you no longer hand over your peace to someone else’s behaviour. You stay grounded, calm, and compassionate, even when others are not.
Because when you change your thoughts, you change how you feel. And when you change how you feel, your relationships transform – without needing anyone else to do anything differently.
So next time you catch yourself trying to “fix” someone so you can feel better… pause. Breathe.
And remember:
It’s not them.
It’s what you think about them.
And that’s where your true power lies.
This article was first published on The Coach Space: How to stop reacting and start feeling peace in your relationships – The Coach Space
